


Second Chances

by Beni_O2 (Benihime_O2)



Series: Once More, With Feeling [1]
Category: Yu-Gi-Oh! Duel Monsters (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-21
Updated: 2019-08-19
Packaged: 2020-09-07 19:51:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 13,058
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20315080
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Benihime_O2/pseuds/Beni_O2
Summary: Things are going so well with Mai, Ishizu forgets that she can’t keep hiding her from her family. The choice ends up being taken away from her, and she has to find a way to cope with her place in her family.





	1. Wishing and Waiting

**Author's Note:**

> This continues off of Second Impressions. Ishizu and Mai are already established together. For time period, think around early 2000s.
> 
> Fair warning, I play hard and loose with canon characterization. Ishizu's mom was wasted on the main series, and here I've found a story for her that touches on my own issues with my family.
> 
> Art will be in the third chapter, so enjoy!

There was nothing like the library in late autumn. Ishizu had long since figured out how to avoid the crowds, and had gotten the science of finding a good secluded table down to an art. It was the perfect place to write or get some reading in. There was something about the mid-morning light streaming in from the windows that filled Ishizu with a sense of peace.

Ishizu stopped writing, setting down her pen to let her fingers flex. They had been at it in the library for only an hour, but it seemed like she couldn’t stop writing down notes. It was a little strange how much writing she was getting done, already filling out the orderly skeleton of her graduation thesis that was coming closer and closer.

“Doing okay?” She looked up, and instantly felt her train of thought derail as she looked up into those soft blue eyes. Unlike Noa, Mai never was much of a bother during her study sessions in the library. In fact, Ishizu would go as far to admit that had a calmer, more encouraging affect on her writing.

Not that pausing every so often to lob an eraser at Noa’s head helped much, but still.

She let out a short huff. “Sometimes when I get going my hand doesn’t have time to catch up. I’m making good progress though, so I’m not concerned.”

“Still,” Mai mused reaching across the table to hold onto Ishizu’s cramping hand. “To see you working so hard, it just makes me want to help you relax.” Her delicate fingers teased her hand, gently rubbing as her rings glided along her skin. Ishizu, fully aware that there was a hint of blush in her cheeks, gave her girlfriend’s hand a quick squeeze before reluctantly pulling away.

“The offer is appreciated, but I still have a lot more to go.” She stopped, and looked up from her writing. The blush felt a little stronger in her cheeks. “I feel like I can get a lot more done now.”

“Do I inspire your work so much?” Ishizu didn’t have to look to tell that eyelashes were fluttering at her.

“Compared to other company, yes.”

Mai let out a pleased laugh, and both women went back to their work. Ishizu was back to filling in notes, but she could still feel the slight tingle on the back of her hand from Mai’s fingers. It was-

Nice.

It had been almost a year since they had put a name to what they were: _together_. _Girlfriends_ felt too immature, and _lovers_ was definitely out of the question, but that’s what they were. Together. Going out for meals, spending time in the library, reading each other’s work, it was nice to find someone who could fill in the silences with words when the time called for it, and warm silences when it didn’t. It was warm and comfortable, and a world of difference from how Ishizu used to feel around people. Most people. Odion was a breathe of warmth wherever he went, and Noa was...Noa. He didn’t count. He was practically family as it was.

And Mai was….

A light tapping of a pen got her attention. “I was wondering, what is the boy wonder up too? He seemed skittish when I called him last night.”

Ishizu pursed her lips. “He’s been busy running around. It seems like he’s trying to organize some kind of Thanksgiving event with his dad and the,” her lips tripped over the word, “_siblings_. From what I hear, he hasn’t had much luck, but he’s trying.” She gave an indifferent shrug. “You know him.”

“That I do. But it can’t be that hard? We get time off of classes here, I’m sure whatever elementary or middle school they’re at would give them time off too, right?”

Ishizu shook her head. “They’re both is separate boarding schools, remember? It’d probably just be easier to let it go. He could always aim for Christmas instead.” Mai pursed her lips a bit, clearly unsatisfied with that answer, but she seemed ready to drop the topic.

Almost.

“Speaking of Thanksgiving,” she said, letting her shoulders roll back as she stretched in her seat, “are you going to be busy? You should know from experience they’re not going to let you camp out here and hog all of the good reference materials just because you make a scary face at them.”

“I was under the impression that you _liked _my face.”

Mai just smiled. “Your deflection is cute, but it’s not an answer.”

Ishizu didn’t squirm. That was something that Noa did whenever he was caught in the midst of some half thought-up scheme, or Malik back when he was little and his pranks could still almost qualify as ‘_endearing_’. It was by definition, beneath her. But like a seasoned tightrope walker making their way across a familiar rope just to take a step and fell a slight slip, Ishizu had to think carefully about how she wanted to answer.

“I was going to spend the weekend with my family.”

“Well, that must be nice.” Ishizu shrugged noncommittally. “Come on,” Mai nudged her with her foot under the table, her voice dropped conspiratorially. “Just think, time with family, a home cooked meal, not being allowed to chain yourself to your computer for a solid day or day, I think it’d do wonders for you. Besides, it must be nice to be close to family. Mine is still way out west, I’m a little jealous.”

Ishizu was more than ready for the conversation to shift in another direction, and unfortunately, it did.

“Ishizu.”

“Hmm?”

Mai looked down for a moment, tracing an invisible pattern on the table with her long nails before she looked back up at her. “When am I going to get to see your family.” The blank but faintly horrified look on Ishizu’s face had her backpedaling. “I don’t mean ‘_meet_’ see your family, I’m not trying to rush you.” Her face was getting louder, and there were dirty looks being shot their way from other library patrons, but Ishizu barely noticed them.

“Like, pictures? Something? I know that you have brothers and your Mom in the city, but I don’t see how it would hurt just to get a little better idea about them. I’m not asking you to take me home yet or anything. I just….” She trailed off, shoulders slumping as she deflated a bit. “You’ve already met my Mom.”

And she did, not that Ishizu or Mai had planned or expected the event. Back during the summer months, Mrs Valentine had taken it upon herself to visit her headstrong daughter who was languishing in flyover country, undoubtedly trying to bring some California cheer to her undoubtedly suffering child. Instead of suffering, she found her daughter and a completely mortified Ishizu enjoying the proximity of each other’s, company, on the couch as her mother had barged in with her spare key.

Humiliation aside, it had been a decent enough meeting even though Ishizu had slunked off as quickly as socially possible and had spent a week hiding in Noa’s dorm, terrified of running into the woman whose daughter she was, she was….

It didn’t matter. That and meeting the Ishtar family were two very different things. Completely out of the question, really.

“I just don’t think now is a good time, you know. I’m sorry.” Not that any time was a particularly good time, but that didn’t bear mentioning. From the disappointment hiding at the edges of Mai’s eyes, she already knew that.

Ishizu felt her gut clench at the sight, but said nothing.

She’d figure something out.

* * *

“So you still aren’t planning to bring her home yet? Isn’t it about tiiiiime?”

“Like you would know anything about anything.” Ishizu said a little harshly. It was getting closer and closer to Thanksgiving break, and she felt a touch more apprehensive about the whole event. Her talk with Mai still left her uneasy, and the little monkey hopping around next to her wasn’t making her feel any better.

Noa shrugged, burying his hands even deeper into his pockets as he fought the late autumn chill. She felt little pity for him since it was his idea to go for a walk out in the cold. “I’m just saying, if I had somebody ‘_special_’ it’d be nice to get to know their family. I’m sure that goes both ways.”

“I barely even _met_ her mother.”

“I’m sure doing a _hi/bye_ while desperately trying to put your clothes back on was the best impression you could leave. It really shows your good side.” A sharp shove pushed him off balance, and he laughed correcting himself.

“THAT DIDN’T HAPPEN, AND YOU KNOW IT.”

“How could I know? You guys never invite me on your dates.” He said, feigning innocence. “I’m sure a sweet, nice boy like me couldn’t fathom what a couple of ladies could get up to by themselves.”

‘Just-”

“I know, I know, I know.” He had his hands up, trying to placate her despite the chill. “But it would be _nice_. Maybe sometime in this life, before the whole reincarnation cycle starts up again.” He rubbed his cold fingers against his chin. “For all you know, you’ll be a grasshopper.”

“And you’ll be a cockroach, oh wait, you already are.” Ishizu countered, briefly lowering herself to his level. “And It’s not an issue right now, and it doesn’t have to be.” And the topic was let go, the two of them continuing to walk. The coolness in the air was abated by the bright sunshine that was still determined to shine through.

There was going to be snow soon, and Ishizu’s nose wrinkled at the thought. Then, a pause.

“So, did you get an update about your own Thanksgiving?” the lopsided smile and shrug that served as his answer didn’t bode well.

“Well, he didn’t really say ‘**no**’ yet, so I still think-”

“I wouldn’t get so worked up about it.” Ishizu said, trying to highlight the obvious. “Thanksgiving is barely a holiday as it is, you’re better off trying to work at Christmas.”

He made a little humming sound of disapproval. “I don’t think Thanksgiving is too much to ask for. It’s not like _I _didn’t come home during break time.” And Ishizu had the sense of mind to keep a little tidbit about what she thought about _that _to herself.

“Regardless, whatever you decide, you know that Mom has an open invitation to you. Like always, so don’t get weird about it.”

He perked up a bit. “I’ll keep you posted. Also,” he started, hastening his pace so he was a few steps ahead of her. He turned around, facing her with one of his trademark cheeky grins. “Do you think you’d be interested in-”

“I have no interest in ANY of your schemes.”

“Hey, hear me out.” If possible, his grin got even dopier. “Say, if worse comes to worse, and Thanksgiving doesn’t work out, Christmas has to, right?” He was smart enough not to wait for a response, and continued on. “So that would mean Seto and Mokuba would be home around Christmas, right?”

The names still felt alien to her, even though he’d talked about them more than enough. They were like living ghosts, haunting his world without ever really being in it.

“I’m always tagging along to your family stuff. Do you think-”

“No.”

“-that you’d be interested in meeting them?” He continued on, though she could see that her refusal dampened his spirits a bit. “It’s not like I want you to babysit them, just meet them. You know, hang out a bit. Maybe a lunch or a walk in the park, I think-”

She reached out, putting her hand on his chest. It was best that she nipped something like this in the bud. “Noa, I _really _don’t think that something like this is a good idea.”

His equally trademark pout settled onto his face. “Not even a full afternoon, just a-”

“I don’t think that it’s really appropriate. I’m an adult, and they are still quite young.” The girl, she knew, wasn’t even properly in double digits yet. The boy could’ve still been a toddler for all she knew or cared.

“But you hang out with _me_.”

“I do that more duty bound than by anything else. And you’re practically an adult.” There went some of her karma for lying. “I’m not good dealing, with children, especially ones that I don’t even know.”

“Which is exactly why you should get to know them!” He was unabashedly determined.

She let out a frustrated noise. “Well, how well do **you** even know them?”

He didn’t say anything at first, so she continued. “Look, I know it’s only been so many months, but how much time have you actually spent with them? All you do is talk, talk, talk about them, you never actually talk about doing anything _with_ them. And here you all, going off about this holiday and that when you don’t even know how they feel about it.”

His smile was back, but it was half-hearted at best. “That’s why I _want_ to do these things. To get to know them, understand them. To actually **BE** a big brother.”

‘_But you’re not.’_ Is what she wanted to say, but she didn’t. Even as emotionally constipated as she was, she knew that she couldn’t just outright tell him to truth. Nearly a year after a legal adoption, he’d barely even spent a few hours in the same room as them. The pair had already split off into separate boarding schools.

It didn’t make her happy to dash his hopes, but if he had thought his father’s grand gesture was in some way a reunification of the family, he was sadly mistaken.

She kept her hand on his chest for a few more moments, before patting it and pulling away. “I just don’t like to see you trying so hard. You don’t have to rush things, just let things form with time. You’re always in too much of a rush anyways.”

“Just relax, right?”

“Exactly, just-”

“Don’t do it?”

“What-?”

“When you want to go to it?” He accompanied that lyric with a little dance.

Ishizu was unimpressed. “I take it back, Mother says you’re banned again.”

* * *

It wasn’t quite Thanksgiving, but Ishizu found herself at the Ishtar family home the day before the big holiday. She already had her final classes, and had already planned a meeting with Mai later that day before they’d be separated during break, but a call from her mother had her reluctantly coming to help with some of the meal preparations.

Well, her mother hadn’t actually called her; Odion did, but she knew that he did it at their mother’s request. Ishizu was quick to ignore a message from her mother (and likewise), but she couldn't find it in herself to ignore one from her older brother.

She was starting to wish that she had.

“If you can’t even read a list right, I’m not surprised that your grades are as pathetic as they are.” She huffed at her younger brother, picking through the bags of groceries he’d just bought with visible disdain.

Honestly, it had been his third trip to the supermarket, couldn’t he just do things right the first time?

Malik, for his part, just grumbled at her, pulling off his jacket as he tried to warm up before the inevitable fourth trip would be called upon him. “Maybe if you didn’t suck so much at writing lists, this wouldn’t be a problem.”

Mother, for her part, ignored her bickering children, reviewing some legal notes at the kitchen counter like she promised she wouldn’t do during the holidays. She let out brief ‘hmm’s and ‘huh’s as she jotted down notes with her pen, letting Odion break up the fight before it got started. The Ishtar matriarch’s participation in the preparation of Thanksgiving began and ended with her letting it be in her home and eating the food. Everything else was left to the other three.

And by other three, mostly Odion. Both he and his mother could cook, though she avoided it whenever possible. _‘I can’t have burns on my hands in the courtroom, it’s unprofessional.’_ she had said once, and as much as she loathed to think about it, Ishizu couldn’t help but agree. Cooking was just fundamentally barbaric, delicious results aside.

That left Ishizu to organize the event, Odion to cook for the event, and Malik to bumble around and mess up until he’d be excused from helping out entirely.

Honestly, she’d be less upset that he inherited their mother’s domestic laziness if he’d at least inherited her brains as well. It was like an extremely less likable version of Noa, if such a thing was truly possible.

“Here.” She wrote out a quick note on a slip of scrap paper, aggressively circling one item in particular before shoving it at her brother. “Get this exact brand and make of stuffing and try not to get lost in the candy isle while you’re at it. Odion could be getting started by now, but you’re wasting his time.”

“If it’s so important, why didn’t **you** go get it in the first place?” Malik scowled before grabbing at it. Just before he made contact, she lifted it over her head, using her precious few extra inches of height against him.

“Just try to do something right for once.” She let her arm drop a bit, and he quickly snatched it out of her hands. He made a face at her, but was already pulling his jacket back on.

“By the way loser, you’re phone keeps going off.” With his free hand he point at her purse that was situated safely away from the various cooking items littering the kitchen. “You’re lucky your boyfriend’s an idiot, I don’t know anyone else who can stand talking to you.”

Normally, that old standby jab would have been countered with the usual ‘_He’s not my boyfriend, __stupid__’_, but thoughts of her brother or Noa quickly melted away as she hastened over to her phone. Pulling it out of her purse, she could already see the tell-tale sign of a text from Mai, the thought already brightening her mood. Her fingers tightened around her phone, and the wisp of a smile could be seen on her lips.

It went unnoticed by the mother and Odion, who were discussing the merits of stuffing the turkey with more vegetables in a bid to get Noa to not consume it by himself, but Malik, lingering in the doorway, noticed. He frowned before remembering the task at hand, and pulled the door closed behind him.


	2. Meet the Ishtars

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's time for the big dinner that everyone's been waiting for and no one wants to go to.
> 
> Everyone except for Noa. He's game for anything involving food.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remember how certain social issues were treated back in the early 2000s.

Even indoors, it was hard to escape the chill from outside. Mai had long since taken off her rings to give her fingers a fighting chance against the cold, but she was glad to wrap them around her coffee, letting the heat seep into them. Ishizu was still at the counter, getting something for them to eat after she’d already ordered her drink. Mai had elected to find them a nice table by the long windows that ran alongside the front of the small cafe. She stretched out her legs, letting her boots hook around the legs of the chair in front of her. She let go as soon as Ishizu came back, settling across from her.

Ishizu started mindlessly ripping open sugar packets, dumping into her drink at an alarming rate. Mai raised her eyebrows. “I didn’t realize having to wait for muffins would rile you up so much.”

Ishizu gave her a shadow of a look before dumping one last packet in. Mai felt a bit of shudder of what that mess that was once coffee would actually taste like. “It’s been a long morning.”

“Well, share.” It was busy outside, with crowds of people making their way around before most of the stores would quiet down for Thanksgiving.

Ishizu shrugged her shoulders. “I had to come in to help organize for tomorrow. It was mostly me bossing Malik around and Odion gently trying to usher us out of his way. Just annoying.”

Mai smiled. “It sounds sweet.”

“Because you weren’t there.”

The quirk of Mai’s lips meant that that comment didn’t quite land as well as Ishizu had intended it to. But Mai didn’t linger on it. “Just try to be patient. Can you do that?” She pulled her hand away from her cup, reaching out for Ishizu’s hand. It only took a moment for their hands to be joined. “For me?”

“It’s hard to say ‘_no_’ to that.”

* * *

Ishizu reminded herself about that promise as returned to her family home the next day, an irritatingly exuberant Noa practically bouncing next to her. He was carrying their offerings of dessert, some cake that Noa had picked out along with some gelatinous monstrosity that would undoubtedly only be eaten by him anyways.

Thanksgiving in her family had started off as a kind of practice run for her mother to learn how to entertain American guests, and had eventually become some sort of holiday pantomime that her mother insisted they all partake in. Once her children had gotten older, it had just been another excuse to get all of them in the house at the same time. Ishizu sometimes wondered if her mother ever regretted letting her boss’ brat tag along. At very least, it gave Odion someone to talk to who A) wasn’t his mother nor B) violently kicking someone under the table.

After the third doorbell ring (at which Ishizu slapped Noa’s hand away), Odion greeted them at the door. “I’m glad to see you two. Hope the walk wasn’t too cold? Come in, please come in.” He ushered them in, his face the image of a perfect host as he graciously took the cake and offending gelatinous mass away from Noa as the other chattered happily at him. She looked around, unsurprised to see her mother in practically the same pose as before. The savory smells emanating out from the kitchen almost distracted her from what was missing from the scene. A quick glance to the living room showed that Malik was absent from his usual sulking on the couch. She didn’t bother to think to heavily about it as she and Noa began helping Odion set things out for dinner.

* * *

“I’m honestly a little surprised to see you here today.”

“Hmm?” Noa’s answer was mostly muffled by the roll that he was still biting into. He tore a chunk off before swallowing. “Why?”

“Maybe he thought you’d have something better to do.” Malik answered petulantly, pushing some vegetables around his plate like he was still in grade school and already a teenager.

“Malik.” Odion said gently, as close to a rebuke as he ever got. “If you have enough time to talk, you should be eating more.” He turned back to Noa with a slightly apologetic lit to his tone. “I just thought that with your recent, familial changes, you’d be-”

“Hanging out with your own family.” Malik added, stabbing an offending chunk of broccoli.

“Stop playing with your food Malik.” His mother said, not bothering to look up from her own food. “And don’t say stupid things.”

“It’s okay, Mrs Ishtar.” Noa said appeasingly. He shrugged his shoulders, giving his best ‘_aw shucks_’ face. “Things just didn’t work out this time. Bad timing and stuff.”

“That’s a pity.” Odion said sympathetically. “I’m sure things will turn out better next time. Also, I appreciate the pictures you sent me. It’s nice to put a face to a name.”

At that, Noa beamed, as if he hadn’t mass sent the same two pictures of his ‘_siblings_’ out as soon as he got their hands on them. She figured no one besides Odion and Mai had willingly opened up the email attachments (Ishizu had had no choice in the matter since he had ran over to her apartment and practically shoved the pictures in her face with glee).

“Isn’t that right, Mother?”

“Yes yes, of course.” She said distractedly, giving her eldest son a quick smile before giving Noa an even briefer smile. “It’s all very nice. We’re all so happy for you, Noa.”

Ishizu could hear Malik let out a quiet snort at the statement, but when he didn’t follow up on it she just ignored him. He was much sulkier than usual. She couldn’t put her finger on why just yet. It didn’t really matter, if he did he’d just whine about it at some point.

Subtlety wasn’t the Ishtar family’s strong point.

“Malik, you really need to eat more.” It was a little bit later, with both her mother and Noa well onto clearing off their second plates with Odion and Ishizu almost finishing off their firsts. Malik, by contrast, had barely even started his. What was once a slightly clumsy but earnest arrangement of food was now just a mess of picked apart meat and vegetables.

“Your brother didn’t spend all that time cooking for you to-”

“Mother please-”

“He just wants attention.”

“Oh.”

The older members of the Ishtar family stopped talking over each other, startled to hear the youngest member finally speak. “I didn’t realize that _I’m_ the one who loves attention.”

The nonchalant tone he was using irritated Ishizu. “Can you go a holiday without making a scene?”

The sarcasm was back in a heartbeat. “I didn’t realize that was _my _job. You do such a great job of it on your own, I didn’t realize-”

“Either shut up brat or get to the point-”

“Everyone, please-”

“ODION THESE TOMATOES ARE DELICIOUS, CAN YOU TELL ME HOW YOU PREPARED THEM?”

The youngest Ishtars turned away from their fight for a moment, looking at the red faced Noa. “I NEED TO KNOW HOW RIGHT AT THIS MOMENT PLEASE!” Odion, bless his soul, looked prepared to answer earnestly.

“Well, you see-”

“You know she’s a _lesbian_, right?”

The conversation at the table died, and Ishizu felt her blood freeze. Back at the center of attention, Malik went on, his tone lazy yet full of contempt.

“I saw her yesterday when I went out the store. They were all over each other and everything, it was really gross. I guess lawyers these days don’t have to worry about their image anymore.” He shrugged his shoulders. “Must be nice.”

Ishizu could feel her jaw working, but no words were coming out. She could barely even see the other people at the table, her vision tunneling on her brother and the bitter look on his face.

“Malik, that’s enough-” And it was Odion, of course it was Odion. He was so busy mothering the two of them so their real mother didn’t have to do the job. A mother who still hadn’t told Malik to shut up. Who still-

-hadn’t said anything.

Ishizu was glad that she couldn’t see her mother’s face. She didn’t know what she’d see. She didn’t know if she wanted to know.

‘_Loyalty, family, loyalty, family, don’t you kids know how hard I-’_

And Ishizu had never disappointed, even when the pressure had felt unbearable. When she was all alone, because it was okay, and then she met Mai, and God Malik was still talking and WHY DIDN’T HER MOTHER SAY ANYTHING-

“All this time I thought she was just leading that loser on,” he jerked a thumb at Noa, who was then sitting silently next to Ishizu, “but yeah, I guess not.”

“Malik, enough.” Odion had pushed back his chair, his voice no longer pleading but assuming an air of no-nonsense that meant he was angry even though he’d never show it. He made a move towards Malik, whose hand quickly fumbled into his pocket before whipping out his phone.

“Just look Mom.” Before Odion could reach out for it, Malik tossed it at their mother, the shitty brat’s aim hitting true and knocking into her plate. “I backed the pictures up already, but the original’s up. Just look at what you’re daughter’s been doing behind your back, look at what she-”

Ishizu never heard the last part, because without even being aware of it, she had violently pushed her chair back. Her purse was by the door, and she managed to snatch it before she rushed out the door, unaware and uncaring of the voices behind her as she slammed the door shut and left them all behind.

* * *

‘_Thanks again for ditching me back there. Ha ha, it was super **GREAT**. :_)_’_

“Shut up.” Ishizu muttered to nobody. She was holed up in her apartment, glaring at the offending text. It wasn’t the first one that he had sent, but it was the first one she felt like acknowledging. Maybe it was because getting annoyed at Noa was sometime old and familiar, and nothing like the new, sinking dread she kept thinking about whenever her thoughts strayed to that terrible dinner.

‘_Stop talking to me_.’ She texted back, sans emoticons.

Mai’s own texts had began to peter out at the days went by, the latest one, sent just that morning, only read ‘_Please take care_.’ After the first three calls went ignored, Ishizu just hitting ‘end’ whenever her phone rang again. It was easier than checking the names.

‘_Oh man, I forgot, you’re an old lady.’_ Ishizu’s scowl hardened at the screen. _‘You don’t realize that this is “texting”, not actual “talking”.’ _Her fingers paused, trying of something cutting to send back to him but she was too slow.

‘”_Talking” is something that humans do __when they’re not suffocating from their heads being up their own asses.’_

‘_Fuck off.’_

‘_Wow, that’s some FANCY legal jargon, did you go to college __for that__?’ _He had a knack for being especially chatty when she least felt like tolerating it.

‘_I’m trying to get some work done. Bother me later.’_

‘_Speaking of bothering people, would it bother you too much to talk to Mai?_

‘_I’m busy right now.’_

‘_You’re an asshole right now.’_

‘_Good bye.’_

‘_I know that you’re still reading, so I don’t mind.’ _And so what if she would? She didn’t have to answer him if she didn’t want to. She let her attention wander to her desk, to the mass of open notebooks and pens scattered about in an array that once made some sense and now just gave her the early warning pangs of an incoming headache. To think, that hardly a week before, she had been making so much progress.

She didn’t want to linger on why things were different.

Looking down at her phone, she could see that Noa had been positively chatty in the few minutes that had passed. She wondered if playing so many video games had only strengthened his fingers instead of rotting his brain like she had hoped.

‘_I don’t think things are as bad as you think they are.’_

‘_Yeah, uh, things weren’t super cool when you left-’_

‘_-WHEN YOU DITCHED ME-’ _It wasn’t like he had been helpless. His daddy’s money could’ve afforded him a taxi ride back or he could have walked. He had eaten enough already to insulate himself from the cold.

‘_but I think you should talk?????’_

‘_Not just to me, but I dunno...’_

‘_Your Mom? Odion?’ _If he had thrown Malik’s name in the mix she would have just thrown the phone then and there.

‘_Mai?’ _She couldn’t even think about facing her then. Her head felt so mixed up, she didn’t want to risk saying to wrong thing to her.

So she’d say nothing.

A better choice, logically. Yet still…

There was one more message left.

‘_Just talk to someone. You’re not in this alone.’_

But how alone she felt, all the same.

‘_Just l__et me know if you need help crossing any streets. _;)’

She couldn’t help her lips quirking up at the brat’s cheek. Well, not _entirely_ alone.

* * *

It was another week before Ishizu mustered up the courage to meet up with Mai. She wasn’t sure how she felt at how quickly Mai agreed to meet at the cafe. Was it good that she wanted to meet? Was it bad that she didn’t say more than ‘_Sounds good_.’ in her text? Should Ishizu had called or was she getting in her own head again?

Ishizu waited idly, ignoring her rapidly cooling drink as she look at the window. She had picked someplace farther towards the back. If anything, the last week had shown her that she’d been growing careless as of late, and she would have to work on rectifying that. It was unlike her.

“I didn’t mean to keep you waiting.”

Ishizu jumped in her seat, lucky that she hadn’t been holding her drink. It would have undoubtedly split. “No, not really.” Mai sat down, setting her own drink in front of her. Ishizu looked at her face. She seemed as beautiful as always, but there was a tiredness in her eyes that wasn’t there the last time she had seen her. That she was a part of putting that look in her eyes didn’t make Ishizu proud.

Even among the buzz of different tables chatting away, there was an uneasy silence between them.

“It’s good to see you again.” Mai said, and she sounded sincere. Ishizu just nodded, unsure on how to continue. “Good seeing you too.”

Ishizu longed to take a sip of her drink, something to break eye contact with Mai, but she couldn’t bring herself to reach out for it. Mai gave her a little half hearted smile. “Noa told me that things kind of went sour on Thanksgiving.”

“Really.” Ishizu said noncommittally. “What else did he say?”

“Not much. Just that, maybe we should talk?” Mai moved in her seat, her blonde hair bouncing a little on her shoulders. Ishizu missed seeing it, feeling the silky texture against her fingers.

She figured she’d be missing it a lot.

“I think we should too.” Ishizu said. She really wanted to break eye contact then. Her eyes were feeling a little dry, and she was fighting the urge to rub at them.

Mai ducked her head a bit, trying to be playful. “So, let’s talk. Whatever it is, it can’t be that bad.”

And it wasn’t that bad. It wasn’t. They were adults, and adults did these kinds of things all the time. It wasn’t a big deal. It should be easy enough to say.

Ishizu kept telling herself that.

“I’m-” Ishizu started, then stopped. She tried again. “I was just thinking about a lot of things, and there were some things I thought a lot about, and I think I know what I should do about them.”

Really, it was like she was Noa, rambling on and on as if she’d find a point along the way. For her part, Mai didn’t interrupt her, just waiting patiently for Ishizu to give her something to work with.

There was a lot she wanted to give Mai, and she guessed that was a part of the problem.

“I just don’t think that I’m ready for a lot of things right now.”

She waited before moving on, letting the words sink in. For her part, Mai didn’t seem to react, besides the small ‘o’ that her lips formed before she pressed them together. Ishizu went on.

“I know that you really wanted to meet my family, but I just don’t think,” ‘_Think think think, just commit to something!’ _she wanted to yell at herself, “it’s not a good idea right now.”

“That’s okay, I told you it’s not a big deal, I’m-”

“I don’t think it will ever be a good idea.”

Mai was looking a little more uncertain at that point. “We don’t have to-”

“I don’t know what I’m doing right now.” Ishizu blurted out. “And I don’t know if I want to be doing this right now.”

Mai didn’t say anything to that. The look on her face was curiously blank, and Ishizu almost wished that she’d say something, argue, anything instead of just looking at her. But she had to finish, she had already gotten that far. She might as well go in all the way.

“And I’m sorry, I just-”

“You don’t need to be sorry.” Mai said quickly. That blank look was mostly gone from her face. If anything, ‘_resigned_’ was the look that she was wearing. “It’s okay, it’s-”

“I, no!” Ishizu snapped accidentally saying it louder than she meant too. She ignored any looks they might have been getting from the people around them. “You don’t get it.”

“I think I do.”

“No, I just need,” she fumbled looking for words, abandoned by her brain in her moment of need. “Some space? Time? Just to try and figure my head out. Can I do that? Please?”

She wanted to grab Mai’s hand, not just to plead her case but to feel that gentle warmth and be soothed by it. She wouldn’t, of course. She didn’t have a right to it at that point.

Mai looked at her, breathing deeply. If emotions were warring instead of her like they were in Ishizu, she barely let it show. Finally, she just nodded her head. “It’s okay.”

She stood up, pulling her coat against herself tighter and she picked up her untouched drink. “It’s fine. You can take all the time that you need.”

Ishizu stood up, bumping into the table in her haste. She took half a step forward before stopping. They were in a public place and she had just made an ass of herself trying to explain her situation. She didn’t want to nor had the right to make a scene, but she wasn’t ready for Mai to leave yet.

“I just-”

There was a hand on her shoulder. Even through the layers of her coat and sweater, she could swear that she felt warmth coming from it. There was a gentle squeeze and an even gentler smile on Mai’s lips. It didn’t quite meet her eyes.

“You can take all of the time that you need. You know where to find me.” One more squeeze, and she let her hand drop. Ishizu wished she could hold onto it a bit longer. “Just try not to beat yourself up too much about it, okay?”

Looking at her, Ishizu could be forgiven for forgetting that other people existed in the world. She swallowed, and when she felt words wouldn’t come, she just nodded.

“I’ll see you then.” And with one last lingering look, Mai turned around, her halo of golden hair trailing behind her as she walked to the door and took her first steps out of Ishizu’s life.

* * *

There were a lot of things Ishizu wanted to say. Needed to say. She even entertained thoughts about cutting off the rest of her family (easy to imagine with her mother and Malik, so much harder when factoring in Odion).

Running away, going someplace far enough where their names didn’t mean anything.

Where it could just be them, together.

If it wasn’t for the fatal flaw of Ishizu and her many neuroses following along, it could almost be a happy ending.

It didn’t matter, of course.

The world didn’t stop because Ishizu Ishtar didn’t know what to do with her life.

* * *

Three months after Mai walked out of that cafe and out of her life, Gozaburo Kaiba was dead and Ishizu’s world suddenly got a lot more messed up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And before you ask, no, I don't hate Malik. But just like how Mama Ishtar channels my own mom, he is a version of my little brother. We don't have that great of a relationship right now, though I still love him.
> 
> Conversely, Odion and Noa are idealized forms of an older and younger brother respectively. For Ishizu, at least.
> 
> One more to go!


	3. Heart to Hearts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> While any day's a good day to bury the world's worst dad, it's not a good time to bury emotions. Ishizu hears her mother out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is a lot of dialogue here, and a lot of it was hard to write, but it's hard to explain how good it felt to get it written out. I hope you enjoy.

It was to be the funeral of the century.

At least, for the city. Can’t have one of the man business juggernauts in a city die without everyone who wanted to be anyone showing up to mourn as loudly as possible. Anyone secretly celebrating the death of the Kaiba patriarch, no matter how numerous that number may have been, did so in silence.

It was the first time she’d seen the Kaiba Corp head in person in a long time. He’d once been a giant, hulking figure with a cold smile that had frightened her when she was still a teenager. Now, he was locked up in a casket, and shouldn’t be able to scare anyone anymore.

It was the first time she had seen Noa in a while too.

In the past few days after the accident, she had barely even gotten a text message to him. In the flurry of lawyers and business associates attempting to ingratiate themselves to the new company head, it has been impossible to see him. Only her mother had, just the day before, and when Odion had called her it seemed that the meeting hadn’t been good.

Ishizu looked over at Odion. He was sitting stiffly besides her, his fingers absently worrying the pamphlet that he held in his hands. He seemed uncomfortable, yet determined not to fidget, as if his honor was at stake. Their mother was on the other side of him, legs crossed at she shifted through messages on her phone. She hadn’t exchanged a word with Ishizu since they arrived in the lobby. Odion had asked that she sit with them, and as usual, it had been hard to say ‘_no_’.

Her eyes unconsciously glanced across the crowded church. Noa was much closer to the front, and the tell-tale head of blonde curls could only belong to one person. They weren’t quite sitting together, that would have been a faux pas. It would be hard enough as it was for the teenage son of that beast to take over the company. The last thing he’d need were rumors of some illicit dalliances making it harder for him to cope with the changes. She figured Mai had been the one to suggest that she sit a ways away from him.

He wouldn’t be in the right state of mind to think about that for himself.

By himself, he seemed unbearably lonely. Ishizu wished she had it in herself to be able to comfort him at the moment, but she didn’t see how she could help. How she just wouldn’t make it worse, like everything else in her life.

“Ishizu.” A gentle voice brought her back into the moment. She look over at her brother, with his tired face. He hated funerals. The last one he had been to had been their father’s. It hadn’t been long after the family had resettled in the city. Only their mother and Odion had gone back for the ceremony. Ishizu and Malik hadn’t wanted to, and he never held that against them. She supposed she shouldn’t hold Malik’s absence at the Kaiba funeral against him. If she was still thinking about him at all.

Which she wasn’t.

“Do you think that’s them?” His voice was still quiet, as if it would carry too loudly to those around them. He nodded towards a spot a few rows ahead of them. She looked around, but didn’t see anything. It was a gentle nudge to her left when she saw what he was looking at.

Then she saw it.

Them.

The first few rows, with the sole exception of Noa, were filled the brim with lawyers and business associates, along with a few minor city officials and their assistants. What stood out were the two much shorter children sitting together, as far away from Noa as possible, it seemed. They were flanked by women in dress suits much less fine than the almost tacky funeral attire that everyone else seemed to be wearing. A bit more working class than anyone else there, and most definitely the nannies of the two newest members of the ill-fated Kaiba family.

“Probably.” She couldn’t see their faces from her angle, and they mostly seemed to sit perfectly still, as if trying not to draw attention to themselves. From time to time, the smaller one, with dark, wilder hair, seemed to try to say something to the taller girl, but she couldn’t tell if she was answering.

“Do you think we should-”

“No.” There wasn’t anything good he could be asking in association with them.

“Or at least after the service, maybe we should-”

“I should think not.” Their mother said dryly, addressing Odion only. “This isn’t the time for idle small talk. My office only represents a small sector of Kaiba Corp, and we’re all swamped as it is. The two of them are being shuffled around by their caretakers until Noa and the family lawyers get things sorted out.”

There was something about the way that she said that, that put to words some of the things Ishizu had come to dread when that old monster adopted those brats ages before. From the way her older brother tensed up, she knew at least some of his thoughts mirrored her own. “This isn’t the time or place for-”

“It’s just what it is.” Their mother tucked her phone away in her purse, her posture as poised as ever even in funeral garb. It looked new. Ishizu supposed she bought more fashionable clothes for just such events. It was more of a business than a family affair for her.

She looked back towards Noa as the ceremony began to get started. Sitting there, surrounded by hundreds of people who felt the need to either meddle in his life or try and leech off of his family name, he never looked so alone.

She hated that his father could make him look so lonely even after death.

* * *

“I’m sorry, I have to go.” It was raining outside, and Odion had stepped out after the ceremony was over to return a call. It turned out to be from Malik, and whatever he was complaining about apparently warranted immediate action. He looked apologetic at their mother. “I drove us here, but if you need to stay-”

Their mother waved her hand, cutting him off. Unlike Mai, her nails were short and blunt, a little no-nonsense bit of trim on her otherwise polished self. “Take a taxi, it’ll be faster. We won’t be getting out of here anytime soon, and I’ll take your sister home.”

It was annoying being talked over, but whatever it was that Malik was complaining about, all she got was a short, apologetic look from Odion before he handed her his umbrella and dashed out back into the rain. She watched after him, eventually losing him in the crowd of people making their way out of the church and those already on the sidewalk.

She was sure Noa was long gone, no time to grieve for his rotten father. Probably already whisked away by lawyers trying to bend his ear about new corporate plans or how best to do away with his late blooming competition.

She didn’t have to look at her to know that her mother didn’t seem to be in a hurry. For all her talk of driving Ishizu ‘_home_’ (her apartment? The family’s?), she seemed reluctant to get on with it. As fun as standing out in the cold rain was, Ishizu really have better things to do.

She wondered where Mai was.

“I’m sure your brother will be fine.” First thing she had said to her and weeks, and of course it would be about Malik.

“You didn’t seem very invested in whatever drama it was that he’s bothering Odion with.” Ishizu said curtly. Her mother just shrugged, swinging her umbrella idly so it would bump against her knee. “If it was something he needed from me, he would have called me. He usually does.”

Ishizu was big enough to ignore the insinuation about her own habits. Her mother continued. “Odion is better at those things anyways.”

It was hard to fight the urge to roll her eyes, but Ishizu managed. “I suppose someone has to be.”

In the past Ishizu would’ve have expected a quick rebuke. Instead, a soft snort from her mother.

“I suppose you’re right.”

* * *

Soon enough, they were finally on their way. The parking garage that the family had left the car wasn’t that far from the church, but the rain hadn’t let up. By then Ishizu was glad that she didn’t just try to walk home on her own. She could’ve tried to fight for a taxi, but if she had to pick between that and a joyless but relatively painless drive with her mother, she supposed she’d prefer the later. She felt emotionally spent as it was.

It was technically Odion’s car, but as her mother slid into the driver’s seat, Ishizu suspected that the woman secretly thought of it as her own. Anything that belonged to her children technically belonged to her, in her world. It was something that she had never once dared bring up to Noa (showing vulnerability to him was almost unbearable), and she had just started opening up to Mai about it before everything...happened.

Her thoughts wandered briefly, wondering if all parents felt like that. It was when she remembered Noa’s father and what kind of man he was that she dropped that train of thought.

“Are you going to buckle in?” Startled, Ishizu was pulled out of her thoughts. “It’s unlike you to daydream so much, though I guess today is special, huh?”

There was something odd about her mother’s tone of voice. It seemed to lack the usual bite that her criticisms always came with. Was she distracted? By work in general, or just by the unexpected turn of events? Not that it mattered. Ishizu jerked her seat belt across of herself, clicking it into place with a little more force than necessary. She could always apologize to Odion later if she scratched something.

Satisfied that her offspring was back in the world of the living, her mother backed out of her parking space, and navigated out of the dull parking garage. The light from outside felt bright in comparison of the garage, and it took her a few seconds for her eyes to adjust.

“Are you hungry?” Gosh, her mother was just full of questions that day. “Because if you are, we can stop someplace first. There isn’t a lot of food in the house.” And was that an apologetic note in her voice? Ishizu finally turned and look at her mother head on, but the older woman was busy watching the busy road. Her grip shifted on the steering wheel.

“I’m not hungry.” Ishizu finally answered. Her mother didn’t seem put off by the pause. “Oh, that’s alright. I was thinking about picking something up anyways. You don’t mind, do you?”

“...no, I don’t care.”

“Alright.” Her toned seemed to cheer up, even though she still wasn’t looking at Ishizu. “I’ll just swing by somewhere, and maybe you’ll be hungry then, huh.” But it wasn’t a question, so Ishizu didn’t bother answering back. It wouldn’t hurt to satisfy one of her mother’s whims if it meant they didn’t have to talk to each other.

The drive to the fast food joint was uneventful. Traffic was slow going, but it still moved enough to keep Ishizu from getting antsy. She kept her purse on the lap, her fingers idly toying with the zipper. She had half a mind to send Noa a message, but she kept putting it off.

He would probably be too busy to read it, let alone answer back, and besides that she didn’t feel like messaging him with her mother so close to her. Despite whatever weird, second hand affection the older woman seemed to have for him, she didn’t want her to see her message. Ishizu wanted it to be personal. She wanted it to be...nice. Something to make up for the way she had been anything but in the past few weeks.

Not that she even knew what to say yet.

Soon enough, they were pulling into the drive through of a chain fast food place. She recognized it as the one that her mother would drive her and her brothers to back when Odion was still in school. It was usually whenever she was too tired to try cooking herself, and before she felt comfortable offloading that task onto her eldest son.

The food was….edible. Nothing she’d eaten recently, and certainly nowhere Mai would ever let her eat at, if she could help it. Certainly someplace she could see Noa inhaling food at, making the other patrons nauseous. A faint smiled tugged at the edge of her lips.

She wondered when would be the next time that he’d be able to indulge in such a way, now that the weight of the company rested only on his shoulders. Or were those days behind him? Her smiled faded.

“Are you sure you don’t want anything?” Ishizu just shook her head, and her mother hummed quietly. Soon enough, they were at the order window and the older Ishtar placed her order. It seemed like an excess amount of food, but she was probably also bringing something back for her brothers. Still, when they pulled up to the next window, her mother passed her a drink without looking at her.

“I figured you still might be thirsty.” Ishizu took the drink from her hand, giving it a questioning look. “It’s just tea. Unsweetened.” She added, when Ishizu began pulling a face. “I know you don’t like sweet things.”

And that was true, but it was not like it was some amazing revelation. She only indulged in sweetness when she was overly stressed, and never in front of her mother. Normally, Ishizu’s tastes just ran plain. In every way apparently except for one.

Her drifting thoughts almost distracted her from the fact that her mother wasn’t leaving the restaurant. In fact, instead of exiting so they could go home and Ishizu could leave again, her mother pulled into one of the parking spaces, aligning the car perfectly before putting it in park and setting the emergency brake.

“Did you forget something?” Ishizu asked, wondering what was going on.

Her mother didn’t answer right away. Instead, she rested her hands on her lap, her seat belt still on as if they’d be leaving shortly. She was looking through the windshield but didn’t seem to be focusing on anything in particular. She seemed almost relaxed, which is what her mother never looked like. The Ishtar matriarch wasn’t relaxed unless she was on call and stressed out over some legal documents.

Which meant…..

“Would it be alright if we sat here and talked for a bit, Ishizu?” Her mother asked. Her tone wasn’t quite friendly, but it wasn’t a normal command tone either. Just a question, like Ishizu hadn’t fled out of her home during a family meal and they were just a regular mother and daughter instead of blood-related strangers.

“I’d rather we just get back. The food will get cold.”

A wry smile formed on her mother’s face. “You know just as well as I do that this stuff tastes like crap when you try and reheat it. I was hoping that you’d cave and eat something, but I’m sure one of your brothers will pick it off anyways.” Another pause. “Then is it okay if we sit here and I just talk for a bit? You don’t have to say anything, just listen if you want to?”

Both hands holding her drink, Ishizu never found an unsweetened ice tea so fascinating to look at than before. She couldn’t tell if her mother was looking at her, but she could still feel the weight of her words in the car. She thought about it.

She shrugged. “Go right ahead.”

“Okay.” Her mother unlocked her seat belt, but Ishizu kept hers on. The woman turned to face Ishizu, even though her daughter wouldn’t look at her. Taking a few moments to sort her thoughts, she began to speak again.

“I know I never really talked to you, to any of you, about how things were growing up. Your father and I, I mean.” She started. She seemed to be forcing herself to relax as she talked. “We grew up in the same little pocket community, where everybody knew everyone and everyone knew each other’s business. It’s not that it was bad, it was just different. So very different.”

Ishizu knew these things, vaguely, but discussions about the family’s past were never popular topics, and the only one who ever alluded to anything was her maternal grandmother during the rare phone calls or even rarer visits she made to the family. Her father had died long before she had ever thought of asking him anything.

Her mother went on. “As such, it was was practically a given that I was going to marry your father. We were the same age, same neighborhood, we even went to the same schools together. Our families were in the same social circle, and everybody knew that he and I were eventually going to marry and just settle down somewhere in the neighborhood and just continue the cycle on, like everyone thought they did in the old country. Traditional stuff.”

Her mother reached up to scratch the back of her neck, discomfort evident in her tone. “I didn’t really have a problem with it, really. I got to go to college, and I was going to have a career. I didn’t mind getting married if that meant that it would get the rest of the family off of my back. Your father didn’t seem to have a problem with it either, everything was supposed to be fine.”

“But people change, you know. Well, I guess you do. I kind of wished you had spent more time with people your own age. Just learned to relax a bit more. Sorry, I’m getting off topic.” Ishizu didn’t appreciate that little tangent, but her mother continued before she could protest.

“And things were going pretty OK, decent enough, but then, come a few years, and no babies. I didn’t think it was a big deal. I was young, there would be plenty of time. But your father started getting irritated about it, as if I was holding out on him. Soon enough, I realized that he wasn’t the only one feeling that way. Both of our mothers kept bringing it up whenever they visited, his mother blaming me, my mother blaming me too. Funny huh?” She let out a little laugh, but there wasn’t a lot of joy in it. Still, Ishizu didn’t respond.

But she was listening.

“And then the neighbors would keep bringing it up, and your father kept getting angrier and angrier, blaming me for working too hard, blaming my parents for letting me go to school, on and on and on. He never had a negative word to say about his own slacker sperm count, but that’s men in general, you know. Well, maybe you don’t-but that’s not the point.” She quickly amended.

“So.” She shifted in her seat, turning her body a bit so she wasn’t quite facing Ishizu head on anymore. “The families got to talking, and decided if we couldn’t get the job done ourselves, they would get it done for us. And not too much time later, we were welcoming Odion into our family.”

Ishizu felt herself unconsciously nodding. It had never been a secret that Odion had been adopted. It was a non-issue, really, as far as Ishizu was concerned. Even Malik, the bed wetting brat that he was, never brought it up. He idolized his older brother, almost as much as he despised his sister.

_But what was the point of bringing it up?_

“And words,” She stopped, her voice getting thick for a moment, “words can’t do justice to how I felt when we brought him home that day. He was just so tiny and so little and so _perfect_. I could hold him for hours, and not get over the feeling of joy just looking at him. But you father still wasn’t happy.”

She could hear her mother swallow hard, as if remembering something unpleasant. “Whether it was someone else whispering into his ear, or just his own thoughts in his head, he never warmed up to your older brother like I hoped he would. And maybe it was because I was still young and naive, but I thought that having a child of our own would help bring us closer together.”

“I was wrong, of course.”

The rain was still falling steadily outside, but inside the car she could still hear her mother perfectly well. “And you know how that story went. A few years go by, and finally we start growing the family the old fashioned way. First you, a girl. Then your younger brother. A boy. The boy. Oh, he couldn’t get enough of your father back in the day. Always crying, begging for him to pick him up, your father was his hero. And that would have been fine, if he just wanted to be that, but your father never had an easy time dealing with people other than himself.”

Another brief pause, punctured by a sigh. “I really tried to make things work, but I eventually came to the conclusion that your father was never really going to be okay with any of the things going on in his life, and I was never really going to be okay popping out babies trying to appease our parents. One day I had the thought, of us having more and more kids, and your father just getting colder and colder to them. A whole brood of kids, each one getting less love than the last, and him just looking at me as if I was the worst thing that had ever happened to him, and do you know what, Ishizu?” She didn’t wait for an answer.

“Maybe I was.”

“Maybe I was the worst thing that ever happened to your father. The woman who ruined his life. When I thought about that I realized that I really didn’t care if I ruined his or both of our lives. The only thing I cared about was if I was ruining your lives, you and your brothers. You were all so small, things weren’t ever going to get better, and the only way things were ever going to change was if I stopped playing everyone else’s games and just took off on my own. And I did.”

Ishizu was still looking away from her mother, but she could feel the weight of her words, the heavy whispers of her mother’s past despair, pressing down on her. It was suffocating in a way, even if it was just the ghosts of past memories that shouldn’t be able to hurt anyone anymore. She knew better than that, of course.

“And it was, hard.” A deflating breath. “Divorce was, not really a thing that the community believed in. Sure, other people did it, but not people like _us_, good proper people. But the funny thing about law is that it doesn’t really care about people’s feelings about things, it just sets legal precedents for what can and cannot happen, and incidentally getting a divorce was something that I absolutely could do. And I did.”

Her mother’s hand reached up again, this time threading through her hair, gently loosening part of her hairdo that had looked so formal and rigid during the ceremony. “Not that you didn’t already suspect this, but getting a divorce meant that I wasn’t just divorcing your father, I was divorcing _everyone_. The community, the neighborhood I grew up in, his family, mine. It was take it or leave it, and as long as I had the three of you, I was more than willing to leave it. But it was hard.”

“I was still, heh.” Another small laugh. “Well, I wasn’t _that_ young, but still young enough to not always feel 100% about what I was doing in life. And with my mother, back when I was still married and before, I always had someone to act as a compass for me to help me make decisions. Even when I made mistakes, she would be there, trying to help put me on the right path, or the path she thought was right. Either way, I never really felt quite alone. I could make any mistake and I knew she would still be there to help, to support me.” She shook her head.

“As soon as I divorced your father, she was done with me. The last few days, they were….hard. Whenever she came to talk to me, I never knew what to expect. Sometime she’d yell about me being such a selfish and lazy woman. Other times, she’d be crying, asking why I would take my children away from their father and how she could break her heart like that. Other times, she come in just to glare at me. Like she was thinking about every hardship, every sacrifice she had made to give me and my children a good life, and what a terrible daughter I was to throw it all away on a whim. That everything I had been feeling for those years was meaningless, and I was just a stupid, selfish woman ruining her life and the lives of everyone around her, and ‘oh can’t you just be a good wife and do what you’re told’?”

“And it was hard to deal with that. She was my mother. I know that,” she stumbled over her words, “I know that I’ve never been the most affectionate person to all of you, but when I was little she was my entire world, and to have her turning away from me made me almost want to stay and try and ride things out. But then I thought of you. I thought of you and your brothers, and what kind of lives you would lead in a place like that.”

“Would you learn how to be happy? Would you understand what being loved by your father would be like? Would you be happy with yourselves? And I knew that while I could screw up my on own and fail to give you those things, I knew that you would never have a chance to have any of those things if you stayed in that house with your father. I left, and I promised to never come back.”

“But of course, a lawyer’s word is only as good as the paper it’s printed on, isn’t it?” Ishizu sneaked a stray glance at her mother, and could see the bitter twist of her lips. “I didn’t want to go to your father’s funeral. I don’t know if there was something wrong with me for not making you or Malik come, but a part of me was almost happy that you didn’t want to. I didn’t want you anywhere _near_ that place, or by the memories left over by all of them.”

“I only went because, well, Malik loved your father as a baby, but Odion was the only one who adored him even as he got older, and he wanted to go. I couldn’t tell your brother ‘_no_’. I never seem to be able to tell your brothers ‘_no_’, which I’m sure you’ve noticed because that’s all I ever seem to say to you, and I wanted to tell you how sorry I am for that. For everything.”

Ishizu wanted to shift in her seat. She wanted to take a sip of her now warming tea. She wanted to open the car door and run away from the hot bed of festering, rotten memories that were swirling up in the car. But she couldn’t bring herself to move. As if a thousand painful, half forgotten memories were hovering around her, and if she moved they’d all descend upon her at once.

“And don’t get me wrong, I love your grandmother. I was so happy when she started reaching out to you all, sending you letters in the mail, calling you from time to time. Knowing that she can still be in your lives is wonderful, I’d never want to deprive you of having her in your life.”

Her face twisted in bitterness. “But sometimes it’s hard to look at her because inside I think _‘Aren’t you my mother? Can’t you even look at me? Do you still love me too?’_ and I know that I’m too scared to ask her those questions, because I don’t know whether it would be worse if she ignored me, or if she gave me the truth. And it hurts sometimes, whenever I stop to think about it, because I want my mother to love me, and I want my mother to approve of me, and I want us to be family in something more than just a legal sense. And I would think _‘What kind of mother could do that to her own kid?’,_ but it turns out the truth wasn’t too far away from me, because now I **can** think ‘_What kind of mother would force their own child to hid a part of themselves away out of fear or shame?_’, because I know that kind of mother is **me**.”

She didn’t want to move, but she could feel her nails press into the soft styrofoam of her cup, small indents slowly digging in. She felt like crying. She wasn’t a hundred percent sure why, but she did, and not knowing made her want to cry even more.

“Ishizu, I know I told you that you don’t have to talk to me, and that’s fine. I’ve, I’ve always been pushing you, and even now I’m pushing things on you. I know that I was never the kind of mother you would open up to, and you always kept your little fears and worries away from me when you were growing up, and I never thought to look for them as you got older. You and Odion just seemed to grow up so fast that I didn’t worry about you as much, and when your little brother started acting out I just focused on him without ever thinking about how it’d affect you two, especially you.”

She moved forward, her hand reaching out towards Ishizu before stopping and pulling back, as if she was afraid to touch her daughter. As if she wasn’t allowed to anymore.

“With what happened at Thanksgiving, I know that I messed up. I should have done so many things differently, but it goes well beyond just that night. Ishizu, just tell me, please: did I ever, did I raise you to feel ashamed of yourself? Did I make you feel like you couldn’t tell me parts of yourself, that you had to hide things about yourself away from me?”

“Did I push you to the point where you couldn’t be happy unless I was far enough away from you?” Her voice was beginning to crack, but she fought on like she always had in life. “And I’m not saying these things because I want you to think that I’m a good mother, I know that I’m not. I’m, I’m just your mother, just like your dad was just your father. That the three of you managed to grow up the way that you did was a miracle in of itself. In spite of having us as parents.”

Her voice was thick, and Ishizu was afraid to look in her mother’s face. Never, in all of her years of life, had she ever seen her mother that close to tears. Not during the ‘_good old, bad old_’ days, nor during the divorce, nor in the years where she clawed her way to the top of her profession, providing any material comfort her shrinking family could want.

It was there, in the parking lot of a fast food joint, that her battle axe mother was at the point of tears, and Ishizu had no idea what to do. The space between them, barely six inches across, seemed thousands of miles deep. In a moment of clarity, Ishizu realized she didn’t know what to do either.

_Like mother, like daughter._

Her mother’s hands were on her face, wiping away what could have only been tears if Ishizu had been brave enough to look. “And I know it’s asking a lot of you, but I’m asking, I’m begging you, whatever happens between us, I want you to stay in touch with your brothers. I know, yes, I know that your little brother isn’t easy to get along with, and I take full responsibility for his bad behavior, but please don’t-”

“STOP IT.” Ishizu yelled, finally overwhelmed by the deluge of emotion emanating off of her mother. She finally turned towards her, unable to remain a spectator in the one sided conversation. “Why are you saying all of this? Do you think I’m going to just run away and never see you again?”

“I don’t know if you are!” Her mother shouted back, agony apparent in her voice. “You just ran out, and we couldn’t get a hold of you, and how was I to know if you’d finally had enough of us. You didn’t even give me a chance to scold your brother, or even say anything!”

“And what would you have said?”

“That whatever he was doing was a stupid and cruel stunt that he’d feel ashamed of himself for doing once he got older. That it didn’t matter who was in the picture or what you were doing, because I love you, and I love you being happy more than anything the world and I’d do anything to let you stay happy even if I haven’t been able to. And Ishizu,” She finally reached out, those strong fingers touching her arm as if she would break. “All I want is for you to be happy. In life, in work, here or far away from me, I want you to be happy Ishizu. I want that for all of my children, and especially for you.”

“I’ve already been so proud of you. I know I never say it enough, or show it when it counts, but I do. But all that matters is if you’re happy. You could accomplish all the wonderful things in the world you set your sights on, but if you did it while you were suffering, my heart would break. You grew up so fast. I’m sorry that I didn’t let you know that you could take your time growing up. Now,” the fingers that so gently clung to her arm withdrew, as if accepting a loss, “I want you to take all the time in the world to figure out what makes you happy.”

She felt so much colder once her mother’s touch was gone, and it did little to quell the aching hurricane of emotion she felt raging inside of her heart. It hurt to think about it. It hurt to feel it. And she was so tired of feeling so hurt all the time.

“I don’t know if I’m happy.” Ishizu admitted. And it was true, even if it felt like an incomplete answer.

“Okay.” Her mother said after a pause, her voice quiet. “That’s okay. It’s, a lot harder to figure out than most people think.” They sat in silence for a few moments, their emotions trying their best to settle as the rain continued falling uncaringly around them.

“Then, tell me, if you want to.” she started, looking earnestly at her daughter. “Are you happy when you’re with her?”

And, of all the things considered, that was an easy question to answer.

“Yeah.” She couldn’t quite keep out the tremor in her voice. She knew her mother could hear it, but at that point it didn’t matter.

“That’s a good thing. That’s a wonderful thing. I’m very glad that you do.”

“But-” Ishizu started and then stopped, suddenly having to blink away something that suspiciously felt like her own tears. “I’m not now. And, no, it’s, complicated. I-” Another stop, but she had to pull through. “I think I messed things up, and I don’t know if we can be happy again.”

Her mother made a quiet noise at that, looking thoughtful. After mulling something over, she eventually decided on something. “It’s okay if things are a little messed up. I don’t know of a hole you could dig yourself into that you couldn’t pull yourself out of. Tell me, though,” she leaned a little closer, reaching for better eye contact with Ishizu, “that was her at the ceremony, right? Behind Noa?”

Ishizu tried to smile, but it was more of a grimace. “That was her. She wanted to be near him.”

“That’s kind.” Another humming noise. “She has a big heart, doesn’t she.”

It was still a grimace, but it looked a little more natural. “Enough to put up with the two of us for as long as she did.”

There was a soft look on her mother’s face, like one she hadn’t seen since she was tiny. “That’s good. I’m glad you found someone who treats you well.”

“I did.”

“And you can again. Whatever happened between the two of you, talk to her, please. Don’t shut her out. Don’t let yourself be alone in your pain.”

“Hmm.” It was Ishizu’s turn for wordless answers. She, she wanted to, but she didn’t know how to proceed from where she was stuck. “I still need time to figure things out.”

“And you’ll have all of the time that you need.” Hesitantly, her mother’s hand slipped into her own. Her warm fingers felt soothing to the touch. “And when you figure things out, and if you want us to be a part of your lives, I want you to bring her home. I want to meet the woman who makes my daughter so happy.”

She hadn’t held her mother’s hand in so many years. It felt strange and oddly fitting to let her fingers intertwine with hers. She felt-

Better. Better than she had felt in weeks. Lighter too.

“I plan on taking it under consideration.”

The gentle smile on her mother’s face finally reached her eyes.

* * *

Here is the fanart for this chapter provided by [MagicianofDabChaos](https://magicianofdabchaos.tumblr.com/). Thank you for working with me on this event, it was a lot of fun!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> While lacking the meet-cuteness of the first part, or the sci-fi comedy of the main series, this was probably my favorite thing to write, especially the last chapter. Being a second generation immigrant is hard, especially when you can see your parent's struggles and not know how to connect with them.
> 
> It goes both ways, of course.
> 
> My mother struggled to connect to and understand me, all while struggling with her mother's disapproval at her wish to better her life so far from home (and with a different set of values to boot). I struggle with accepting my grandmother's love when I see her disapproving of my mother. See me projecting on Ishizu a bit? But just like my mother and I worked on our relationship and are better off for it, I'm glad to see Ishizu moving forward with her own connection to her mother.
> 
> There's one more story to go in the next series, expect it after I (finally!) update Weird Science. Thanks for coming along with me!

**Author's Note:**

> Everything's going so well.


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